Navigate / search

Everything Under One Roof

salesman


A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia .”

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

“How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”. The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

Advertisement

That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you’re not in the mines anymore, son.”

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”

The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65”.

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?” The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing……………….

Advertisement

A Fishing Trip Up In Canada

blue

A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we’re leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up” “Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?”

Advertisement

You’ll love the answer…
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
The wife replied, “I did. They’re in your fishing box…..

Daddy, I Have To Write A Special Report

capital

Son: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.”

Father: “Well, let’s take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let’s call you The People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?”

Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.”

That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: “Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.”

Father: “Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?”

Son: “Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit.”

A Nursery School Teacher Says To Her Class

A Nursery School Teacher Says To Her Class

Teacher

A Nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word
‘Definitely’ in a sentence?”First a little girl says “The sky is definitely blue” Teacher says,

“Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange…”

Second little boy…”Trees are definitely green” “Sorry, but in the
autumn, the trees are brown.”

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

“Does a fart have lumps?”

The teacher looks horrified and says…”Johnny! Of course not!!!”

“OK…then I DEFINITELY shit my pants…”

Three Nuns Were Talking.

nuns

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.”

“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.

“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”

The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!”

“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked. “I poked holes in all of them!” she replied.

The third nun fainted.

A funeral service is held for a woman

casket


A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

A Little Boy And His Grandfather Are Raking Leaves

grandfather

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.” The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your Grandma.”

A Man With No Ears

reporter

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first guy walks in and the boss says, “This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?” And the guy says, “Well shit! You got no ears man!” So the boss yells “Get the f*ck out!”. So the next guy comes in and the boss says to him, “This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?” And the guy says, “That’s easy. You got no ears!” So the boss says, to him, “Get the f*ck out!” As the second guy leaves he sees the third guy about to go in and says to him, “The boss has no ears so don’t say anything about them, he is really sensitive about it.” So the guy goes in and the boss says, “This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one that you notice about me?” So the guy says, “Your wearing contacts!” And the boss says, “Yeah, how did you know?” So the guy replies, “Well shit, you can’t wear glasses cause you ain’t got no ears.”

My Girlfriend And I…

My girlfriend and I… – High Octane Humor

girlfriend

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT?! What was that?!” She said, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.” We went on to the j3welry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.” I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No baby, I don’t feel like it.” Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?” I said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?” Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either… but at least she knows I’m smarter than her.

Recently A “Husband Super Store” Opened…

Recently a “Husband Super Store” opened… – High Octane Humor

super_store_1

Recently a “Husband Super Store” opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.
It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands…

First floor
The door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids.”
The women read the sign and said, “Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?”
So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.”
“Hmmm,” said the ladies, “But I wonder what’s further up?”

Third floor
This sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.”
“Wow,” said the women, “Very tempting.”
But there was another floor so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.”
“Oh, mercy me,” they cried, “Just think what must be awaiting us further on!”

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.
The exit is to your left; we hope you fall down the stairs.”

%d bloggers like this: