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Father-in-law

A man went to meet his father in law to be and was chewing gum. The father in law shouted at him in a harsh voice.

Father-in-law: Young man, you’re coming to seek my daughter’s hand in marriage and you’re chewing gum. That’s a sign of disrespect!

Man: Sir, I only chew gum when I drink or smoke.

Father-in-law: You mean you drink and smoke, and you’re here to seek my daughter’s hand in marriage?

Man: Sir, I only drink and smoke when I go to the club.

Father-in-law: You club too?

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Man: I’m sorry sir, I started clubbing when I came out of prison.

Father-in-law: You’ve also been to prison before? Oh my God!

Man: Sorry sir, I went to jail when I killed someone.

Father-in-law: What!!! You’re a killer?

Man: Sir, I was angry because a certain man didn’t allow me to marry his daughter, so I killed him!

Father-in-law: Oh! Okay…. You know what? You’re highly welcome my son. You are on the right track. You’re absolutely the right Man for my daughter. Welcome to the family

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Harley-Davidson Motorcycle Owner Dies and Goes To Heaven

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.”
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.”
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognised Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?”
Arthur said, “Yeah, that’s me…”
God commented, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, “Ah, yes.”
“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!”
“Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.” God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers…more men are riding my invention than yours!”

The Best Bill And Hillary Clinton Joke I’ve Ever Heard. I Can’t Stop Laughing.

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I’m so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said,”Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’m disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad.”

Bill thanked her for being so understanding.They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

He answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center.”

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Her Husband Threw A Fit When She Didn’t Notice His New Boots, But Her Response is Pure Gold.

Her Husband Threw A Fit When She Didn’t Notice His New Boots, But Her Response is Pure Gold.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

elderly

Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’

Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

‘Nope’ she replies.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Bert yells.

To which Margaret replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”
 

 
Her Husband Threw A Fit When She Didn’t Notice His New Boots, But Her Response is Pure Gold. [via]

Lawyer Wanted To Play A Game With This Savy Blonde

The lawyer, assuming he could make some easy money, wanted to play a game with the blonde; he would ask her a question, and if she could not answer, she would pay him $5. Then she would ask him a question, and if he could not answer, he would pay her $5.
The blonde had no interest in playing with the the lawyer, so he offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5. But every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
The blonde thought about it for about a minute, and decided she did not know the answer. So she gave him his $5.
She then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Bob Walked Into A Sports Bar Around 9:58pm

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm , sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10pm news came on covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset but handed her $20 to Bob, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5pm news so I knew he’d jump.”
The blonde replied, “I did too, but didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Bob took the money.:)

A Man Walks Into A Bar One Night.

A man walks into a bar one night . He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
“Certainly, Sir, that will be 1 cent.”
“one penny?” exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, “Yes.”
So, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, “Could i have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”
“How much money?” inquires the guy.
“Four cents,” he replies
“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy.” where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy says , “What’s he doing with your wife ? “
The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”

I Just Bought This State-Of-The-Art Watch

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.” The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?” “It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains. “What’s it telling you now?” “Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties…” The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!” The man explains, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

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