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The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches……

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… A new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see…size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.


Joe tried on the suit; it fitted perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years.”

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

The salesman said, “Let’s see…size 36.”

Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

New suit – $400
New shirt – $36
New underwear – $6
Second opinion – PRICELESS


Saying The Right Thing…

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!”
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, “Son, what happened last ! night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said,
“Lady, leave me alone! I’m married!”
Self-induced hangover — $100.00
Broken furniture — $2,000.00
Breakfast — $10.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk – PRICELESS


The Intruders Demands

A man escapes from a prison and breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. I love you, too!”

A Pizza Delivery Boy Comes Home With A Porsche. The Way He Got It… Priceless

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up his parent’s driveway in a Porsche….
Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

He very calmly tells them, “ I bought it today.”

“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it”

“Well, it’s used and I Got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.”

At this point, the parents don’t believe him and start yelling even louder.

“Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!”

“The woman up the street,” the boy replies.

“Name please?” Asked the mom

“I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She order a pizza and I delivered it to her and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”

“Oh my gosh,” the mom moans. “She must be some sort of crazy. Who knows what she will do next? Tim, you go right up there now and see what’s going on.”

The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard.

“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you – ASAP!”

“Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”

“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed.

The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute.

“Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?” The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, “I don’t care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.” The husband said, “What did he say about your 56 year old ass?” “Your name never came up,” she replied.:)

A Man Took His Wife To The Rodeo

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “He mated 50 times last year.”

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, “This bull mated 120 times last year. ” The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than twice
a week! You could learn a lot from him.”

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s rib, said,

“That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.”

The husband looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.”

A Man Took His Wife To The Rodeo

Here’s Why You Never Ever Cheat On Your Spouse. What This (Soon-To-Be-Ex) Wife Did Is EPIC.

When spouses cheat on each other, the fallout can be absolutely disastrous.
Making a scene in public isn’t that uncommon, but this clever wife in Texas found a better,
subtler way to let everyone know how disappointed she was in her cheating husband.
She took out a classified ad in a Texas newspaper, sending a message
out to her husband and his message, signed with love. You’re going to love this.

When Timeshia Brown discovered her husband Patrick was sleeping around and
got a girl pregnant, she didn’t set his car on fire. She did, however,
find a better way to burn him. Her ad reads:
I would like to say congratulations to Shara Cormier and Patrick Brown.
They are expecting a baby.
Hope you both are really in love and I hope it works out.
Patrick’s wife,
Timeshia Brown.
It’s possible she meant some of the well-wishing, but you know for sure
she was laughing all the way to the newspaper.

Here’s Why You Never Ever Cheat On Your Spouse. What This (Soon-To-Be-Ex) Wife Did Is EPIC.

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