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A Woman And A Man Are Involved In A Car Accident

It’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, ‘Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.’
The man replies, ‘I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!’
The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.’
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman. Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’
The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…’

A Family Brings Their Frail, Elderly Mother To A Nursing Home

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over
sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to
catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

This Sounds A Bit Fishy

A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we’re leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up” “Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?”
You’ll love the answer…
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The wife replied, “I did. They’re in your fishing box…..

20 Clean Jokes That Are Surprisingly Funny. I Like #16.

1.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

2.

Two whales are in a bar. One turns to the other and says, “OOOOAAAAHHHHOOOOHHHAAOO!”
The other whale turns to him and says, “Go home Steve, you’re drunk!”

3.

A ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.”

4.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5.

Why can’t you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?
They always take things literally.

6.

I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read “War and Peace” in twenty seconds. It’s only three words but it’s a start.

7.

Two gold fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

8.

What did the cowboy say at the German auto show?
“Audi.”

9.

-WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!?
-LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!!!
-WHEN DO WE WANT ‘EM?!?!?
-*NEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOWWWW*

10.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.

11.

Two cows are in a field, one says “mooooo!”, the other says “that’s what I was going to say.”

12.

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
Dunno, they’re just a bit shady.

13.

I went into a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is, I just want a goldfish.”

14.

What did they give the guy who invented the doorknocker?
A no-bell prize.

15.

What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

16.

A termite walks into the bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

17.

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

18.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

19.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

20.

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it…
20 Clean Jokes That Are Surprisingly Funny. I Like #16. (source)

He Needed To Explain His Outrageous Behavior. She Never Expected Him To Say This.

A couple were invited to a masked fancy dress party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good-time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice “chick” he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went in the spare room and played poker all evening.

“You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, “Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life.”

He Needed To Explain His Outrageous Behavior. She Never Expected Him To Say This. [via]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day

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Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual sex addict.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.”

The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor’s words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, “If you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead.”

A Husband Loves His Mate

Y a husband loves his wife

A husband loves his mate

After being married for thirty years….a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly…then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H…. I, J, K.”
She asks….. “What does that mean?”

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said….”Oh, that’s so lovely….. What about I, J, K?”

He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
His eye is still swollen….but it will get better………….

An Old Married Couple Is Traveling By Car.

 

An old married couple

An old married couple is traveling by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with senior citizens….. They didn’t get there by being stupid.

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